


Just Stop Your Crying It's a Sign of the Times

by ThatsALotOfLove



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Mild Angst, POV Magnus (3rd Person), but only in like 3 sentences, post 2x18, spoilers for 2x17 and 2x18, the others are mentioned - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-12 13:24:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11737962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatsALotOfLove/pseuds/ThatsALotOfLove
Summary: With Magnus set to make a momentous decision, a conversation with Alec brings new things to light.Companion Piece to"Trying To Remember How It Feels to Have a Heartbeat"but can be read as a standalone. It is simply a different perspective on the conversation that took place in that.





	Just Stop Your Crying It's a Sign of the Times

**Author's Note:**

> Once again this does follows the events of episode 2x18 so it does contain spoilers for that and 2x17. Because it is only my attempt at working through what happened in those two episodes and not meant to be a prediction for what will happen in canon, I do not think it should contain any spoilers for 2x19, but who knows what will happen. 
> 
> The title of the fic is taken from Harry Styles' song [ "Sign of the Times" ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qN4ooNx77u0) because I feel like the general air of hard times, external circumstances causing trouble and wishing to escape a situation with someone but always ending up stuck kind of reflects the mood of the fic, though Alec and Magnus both know they can't just "get away".

Magnus sat on his balcony, eyes locked onto the withered rose in his hands, but he wasn’t really seeing it. Though he knew he should be mentally preparing for his fast-approaching meeting with the Seelie Queen his mind was occupied with the Omamori charm that seemed to be burning a hole into his pocket.

 

“Luck and protection.” Alexander had said as he had handed it over, the gesture simple enough really, but all the more meaningful to Magnus because of it.

 

It had also not escaped his notice that the choice of charm was significant in its own way. The urge to protect seemed even more deeply ingrained in Alexander than in anyone else he had met in his long life. But while the young Shadowhunter was a protector by nature, it was never more evident than in the way he interacted with the people he loved, those he cared for. Receiving a charm meant to protect had, to Magnus, been more than just a token of Alexander’s appreciation, which would have been enough, but also a sign that he could now count himself among those lucky enough to be on the receiving end of that protectiveness.

 

Since that day, his assumption had been proven correct many times over, and never lost its emotional impact.

 

But earlier something had happened that was, if possible, even more significant.

 

Alexander had come to his door after their fight, not to apologise or beg for a forgiveness they both at this point believed he did not deserve, but to ask for his help. And though Magnus had still been hurt and angry back then, all too ready to lash out he did not have it in him to ignore the panicked urgency in the younger man’s voice. The person in need of help was not Alexander himself, not his parabatai or sister, not even Clary who he had grown reluctantly fond of, no it was Max. The youngest Lightwood child, doted on by all _three_ of his siblings even at times when his parents failed to express their love, was fighting for his life after an attack by Jonathan.

 

Magnus knew deep down that he would not have turned Alexander away in a time of need, he never had, but he also knew that he might well have resented being called upon once again so soon after their argument if it had been for any other reason. The events in the institute only further strengthened this belief: It became clear that his Shadowhunter, for that was how he saw him even now, had not called him for any trivial reason. No even after being informed that Max was beyond the reach of warlock magic, Alexander had fought to bring Magnus in, all too willing to put his younger brother’s life into Magnus’ hands above those of anyone else.

 

The sheer magnitude of the trust the warlock understood that must have taken, for Alexander to reject the help of the Silent Brothers, fellow Nephilim, in favour of his own was a staggering thing to become aware of to say the least. Because Magnus knew, much to his chagrin, that the eldest Lightwood child had little regard for his own life. He valued the lives of his loved ones far above his own. Magnus also knew that he had accepted that his sister and parabatai would make their own choices and that he had to trust them to be able to protect themselves if need be.

 

It had been a hard-won lesson, but it had sunk in.

 

It did not apply to Max.

 

At least not yet.

 

Knowing that it had pained him even more than it normally would have to be unable to help, but Magnus had known that he had to put the life of the youngest Lightwood into the hands of the Silent Brothers in order for him to have a fighting chance. And Alexander, even in his terrified state, had not resented him for it. That combined with the awareness of the trust that had been put in him in the first place drained the last dregs of anger from Magnus’ heart. But instead of relief and happiness it left nothing but emptiness in its wake.

 

Because although he now keenly felt that their love for each other was as true as ever, he was no longer sure whether it could be enough. In times as rough as these, with all signs pointing towards an oncoming war that might well leave them on opposite sides, no amount of love could make this feel more like a beginning than an end. They could have run, of course, opened a portal to somewhere on the other side of the world and found solace in each other’s arms as they waited out the storm.

 

But Magnus knew that they wouldn’t.

 

No matter what was in their hearts, they both had people to protect.

 

Running from the war was not an option.

 

Sitting in the institute hallway waiting for news about Max, Magnus had been caught up in memories of the time he and Alexander had spent together, each one now looking back tinged with the added knowledge that no one had ever made it past his defences quite as quickly or thoroughly as the young Shadowhunter had. But he had also wondered about his own seeming inability to learn. He had been in situations like this before over the course of his long life, and they had frequently ended in heartbreak.

 

And yet even knowing that he could not bring himself to regret his choices.

 

He was roused from the depths of his mind by his wards, set not to repel but merely to alert him should anyone approach. He had not wished to be surprised by anyone as he pondered what his next steps should be, but dire times did not lend themselves to staying sequestered completely, especially as a leader. Instead of shouting or knocking however, whoever was outside the door merely seemed to linger there for a while.

 

Intrigued Magnus rose from his spot with feline grace, making his way towards the door silently. The person lingered for another few moments before stepping away from the door. Unable to contain himself any longer, Magnus opened the door, and before he could stop himself a surprised exclamation escaped him.

 

“Alexander?”

 

Curiosity killed the cat indeed.

 

The young Shadowhunter froze, but did not turn around for some time, while Magnus waited patiently. When he finally did he seemed poised to speak, but his resolve crumbled, face dropping as he closed his mouth soundlessly. Struck cold by a sudden fear, Magnus stepped closer without even consciously deciding to.

 

“Alexander? What is it? Is it Max? Did he relapse? What happened?”

 

He watched as the younger man’s face went through an array of emotions, some more heartbreaking than others, before finally settling on something that was perhaps meant to be a smile. It barely deserved the name, however, and did nothing to soothe Magnus’ nerves.

 

Then Alexander spoke:

 

“No. No. Max is fine. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to worry you like that. I just...”

 

Hazel eyes scanned the room frantically, the urgency in the action putting Magnus on edge even more.

 

“...can I come inside? I...I promise I will only take up a moment of your time.”

 

Magnus regarded the young Shadowhunter for a moment, thinking. He could refuse, of course, but despite their recent differences he was still willing to believe that Alexander would not have come if it was not important, if only to spare the both the pain they were only just so managing to put aside for the moment. So he took a deep breath and nodded, allowing him to step inside.

 

As soon as the door closed between them and the world, they both spoke at once.

 

“Alexander...”

 

“Magnus I...”

 

The awkwardness that ensued felt far more oppressive than it ever had between them. Not even the silence following their conversation about past lovers had felt quite as heavy as this did now, yet Magnus felt hesitant to break it. Luckily the same did not seem to apply to Alexander.

 

“Magnus... I know you probably don’t want to see me, and I know you said you had important decisions to make, but I wouldn’t have come here if it wasn’t important. Trust me...”

 

Magnus felt a stab of regret at the wince that followed those words, knowing himself to be the cause. His hurt at the betrayal about the sword had been justified, but he let it lead him into lashing out, intent to cause pain just as he had received it, and he couldn’t help but wish things had gone differently.  

 

“...Clary tried to destroy the Mortal Mirror. As it turns out the item we found was not a Mortal Instrument at all...”

 

Magnus felt his eyes grow wide and his mouth opened of its own volition, to address the numerous concerns that information raised, but a gesture from Alexander stopped him.

 

 “...We know where the Mortal Mirror is though. It is safe. For now. We are sure that neither Valentine nor Seba-errr...Jonathan know of its location. Neither does the Clave, and for now we hope to keep it that way.”

 

His most immediate concerns thus addressed, Magnus took a moment to consider the implications of what he had just learned. He stepped closer to the Shadowhunter.

 

“So then... who _does_ know where the Mirror really is?”

 

“We...umm...We decided that any person who knows about the Mirror is a risk to its secret. We also decided that the Downworld deserves to know. Or... At least that it is not up to us to decide whether they do or not.”

 

Magnus was struck by the way their proximity seemed to affect the younger man, and unable to deny, at least to himself, the effects it was having on him as well. Even so Alexander’s words sunk in, as did the things implied, and Magnus did not even attempt to quell the warmth that erupted inside him at that. The young Shadowhunter tried to collect himself by breaking away from the intensity of their shared gaze, looking towards the windows as he continued:

 

“Clary went to talk to Luke. It's likely that Simon and Maia will also find out from them. Isabelle went to speak with Raphael. Whether or not they reveal the actual location of the Mirror will be up to Luke and Raphael to decide, but they will tell them that we know. Jace knows, too...he...he offered to come here and tell you, but I figured I owed it to you to let you know.”

 

Though the words struck him as nothing less than sincere, Magnus was all too aware that they did not entirely add up. He felt fairly certain that once again, he and his dear Alexander had similar feelings about their current encounters and the pain they unfortunately could not help but cause them both. He was aware that his fondness was rather obvious as he spoke, but with his young Shadowhunter willing to put it all on the table so to speak, Magnus did not wish to hold back.

 

“Is that why you were walking away when I found you?”

 

“No. I stand by what I said about owing it to let you know, but when you found me I had just realised that I couldn’t face you. I'm really sorry but I just... Couldn’t face what I had lost through my own stupidity. I was just about to call Jace to let him know that I needed him to tell you after all. I could have let Isabelle do it, but I think she would have wanted me to talk to you myself and while I suppose you would have preferred to see Clary over Jace I didn’t want to have to deal with her questions...or worse...her pity. It was selfish and I’m so sorry. But I promise you that I never once planned to leave you in the dark.”

 

A pause, then:

 

“Sorry.”

 

Alexander had not met his eyes even once during his speech, but he did when he finished, clearly unwilling to seem anything other than sincere. Magnus could appreciate that, too. After all the young Nephilim’s blunt honesty had been one of the traits that had attracted Magnus to him in the first place, which had been part of why he had reacted as he did upon finding out about the soul sword. He had been worried that Alec Lightwood, head of the New York institute could not also be his Alexander, set apart from the tainting influence of the Clave. Standing here now after everything that had happened, those fears, while not entirely unfounded, lost most of their bite.

 

 “Don’t wear out that word Alexander. There is no need for it now.”

 

Another moment of searching silence, then Alexander pushed forward.

 

“So...do...you want to know where the Mirror is? I know that you said you have decisions to make as a leader and I understand that. I want you to have all the information there is when you do.”

 

Magnus’ first instinct was to say yes. To find out where the mirror was and perhaps try his hand at destroying it and removing this threat to the Downworld from the face of this earth. But he forced himself to think it through. His wish to destroy the Mortal Mirror was valid, but he also understood that it could cause untold trouble for the group of young Shadowhunters who had chosen to reveal this secret to leaders of the Downworld.

 

The Clave was unlikely to let such an act go unpunished, and Alexander, as leader of not only the institute responsible, but also the group in question, would likely be the one to take the fall, and willingly. Revealing the location of the mirror to the Downworld public was equally dangerous. With players like the Seelie Queen at the table, and Valentine and Jonathan out there willing to do anything to gain the information, any person who knew was a risk to the Mirror’s secret.

 

The best way to keep it safe, then, would be to make sure the information only fell into the hands of people who could be trusted with it and as few of them as possible. Though he knew that Alexander must be anxious for an answer Magnus allowed himself a moment to examine his internal reasoning, doing his best to make sure that he was not merely succumbing to the urge to keep the young man in front of him safe, but making the choice that would bring the biggest benefit for the largest amount of people.

 

Once he had arrived at the conclusion that he was, he spoke:

 

“I don’t need to know the Mirror’s location.”

 

The young Shaodwhunter looked shocked and ready to protest, but in a familiar motion, Magnus raised a finger to his lips to silence him.

 

“I do not know what Lucian and Raphael will choose, though I have no doubt that they will do whatever is best for their people. For my people however, it is only important that the location of the Mirror stays protected from those who would seek to abuse that knowledge. So no. I do not need to know _where_ it is. I just need to know that those who _do_ can be trusted to keep it safe.”

 

Magnus could tell that the conversation had taken an unexpected turn for the young Shadowhunter, and he allowed himself to move his hand to rest on his shoulder in a comforting gesture.

 

“And  _that_  I  _am_  now sure of. I need nothing else.”

 

He could see that Alexander was struggling for words, but he also felt that this conversation as it was had already told him all he needed to know, so he decided to take pity on him.

 

“Thank you for giving me this choice Alexander.”

 

The younger man nodded, clearly still unable to find his voice, and Magnus finally forced himself to pull away, heart aching. Because even the pain and anger he had felt in the past few days had faded, and he sincerely wished he could just let it go and fold back into his relationship with Alexander, he knew it wasn't that simple.

 

The circumstances were no different now than they had been at the start of this conversation.

 

He still wished things could be different.

 

“I truly appreciate it...but there are still some things I have to do. Decisions that have to be made.”

 

He was on the brink of adding an apology, but this time he was stopped by Alexander speaking up.

 

“Of course. I understand.”

 

And the thing was: Magnus could see that he did. Where his posture had previously been mostly relaxed, the Shadowhunter now drew himself back into his military stance, slipping back into the role of the leader of the Shadowhunters he had fought so hard to become. He could tell that it hurt them both, but it was also a sign of a deeper understanding between them. They were both leaders of their people and that meant that their personal desires could not be their first priority.

 

It did not mean they weren’t there.

 

Just that acknowledging them out loud would hurt more than it helped.

 

“I need...I need to get back to the institute.”

 

The echo of memories attached to those words brought a hollow ache into Magnus’ chest, but it was soon lost in the swirling pool of emotions raging inside him.

 

“Look after yourself.” he said, hoping it would manage to convey everything he couldn’t say.

 

The look on Alexander’s face gave him hope that it did.

 

“You too.”

 

xxXxxXxxXxx

 

Some time after the young Shadowhunter had left Magnus was getting ready to return to the Seelie Court, going over ways in which the conversation he had just had with Alexander changed things, if it did at all.

 

By the time he stepped through the portal, he had made up his mind.

 

Being a leader meant that his own interests were secondary to those of his people. But it did not make them disappear, and no one could blame him for their existence. Or begrudge him any attempts to try and combine them, if possible.

 

Finding a way to protect his relationship with one Alexander Lightwood was currently the biggest of his personal interests.

 

And so try he would.

**Author's Note:**

> So that was that. 
> 
> This is only my take on what could have been going on in Magnus' mind and heart during what happened to him recently. I think that Magnus with his many years of experiences can probably look beyond their immediate situation at the bigger picture better than Alec can. Alec is trying but he is still so very young, and while that can certainly mean he is less likely to let past events influence him, it also means he is somewhat less likely to be able to avoid repeating mistakes others have made before him. I also absolutely believe that Alec has "unlocked" something in Magnus indeed, and I tried to work through some of the things that make Alec worth it all to Magnus, while also acknowledging the way the feelings he has for Alec can be an obstacle for his role as leader. 
> 
> I in no way want to claim this is accurate or 100% canon compliant, but I tried to stay close enough to canon Magnus to have some hope that it will at least seem reasonable. 
> 
> As I wanted to put this on here before 2x19 has the chance to knock it completely out of the realm of canon I did not have time to let anyone proof read it. I hope I managed to avoid making too many atrocious mistakes anyway. 
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
